Problematic Styles of Communication in Marriage

The following is a list of problematic methods of communication. Place a check mark to the left of each item that you note are a problem for you. It is typical for some of these items to be present in every marriage. However, if enough of these exist, your relationship may well be headed for trouble.

___ Blame your spouse for the problems in your marriage

___ Threaten your spouse when upset with them, intentionally or unintentionally

___ Coerce your spouse to get what you feel you want or need

___ Beg to get what you want

___ Bribe to get what you want

___ Give advice as to how your spouse should think or proceed

___ Not saying what you mean in the course of conversation

___ Not meaning what you say

___ Often feeling like you are not being taken seriously

___ Asking for what you want indirectly

___ Sighing or looking impatient during the course of conversation

___ Often having trouble getting to the point

___ Giving an answer that you think will make your spouse happy- even if
it is not how you really feel

___ Attempting to provoke your spouse

___ Having trouble saying no

___ Talking too much or dominating the conversation space

___ Avoiding talking about your problems, thoughts, feelings, etc.

___ Saying things are your fault, even when they are not

___ Saying things are not your fault, when they really are

___ Believing that your opinions don’t matter before checking them out

___ Lying to protect yourself

___ Trouble being assertive with ideas that you believe to be right

___ Not validating your spouse’s opinions when you disagree with them

___ Apologizing for bothering your spouse when an important issue needs to be
addressed

___ Becoming demanding or intimidating to get your way

___ Failure to bring up an issue out of fear of the response or results

___ Waiting to express your opinion until your spouse shares theirs

___ Speaking for your spouse instead of letting them speak for themselves

___ Telling your spouse that what they said was not what they meant


___ Total items checked


If you checked more than eight of these items, the two of you need to find a counselor. Things are not likely to get better on their own. If not already, in time the two of you will become angry or distant from each other. Now is the time to address these issues.