Checklists
Problematic Styles of Communication in Marriage
The following is a list of problematic methods of communication. Place a check mark to the left of each item that you note are a problem for you. It is typical for some of these items to be present in every marriage. However, if enough of these exist, your relationship may well be headed for trouble.
___ Blame your spouse for the problems in your marriage
___ Threaten your spouse when upset with them, intentionally or unintentionally
___ Coerce your spouse to get what you feel you want or need
___ Beg to get what you want
___ Bribe to get what you want
___ Give advice as to how your spouse should think or proceed
___ Not saying what you mean in the course of conversation
___ Not meaning what you say
___ Often feeling like you are not being taken seriously
___ Asking for what you want indirectly
___ Sighing or looking impatient during the course of conversation
___ Often having trouble getting to the point
___ Giving an answer that you think will make your spouse happy- even if
it is not how you really feel
___ Attempting to provoke your spouse
___ Having trouble saying no
___ Talking too much or dominating the conversation space
___ Avoiding talking about your problems, thoughts, feelings, etc.
___ Saying things are your fault, even when they are not
___ Saying things are not your fault, when they really are
___ Believing that your opinions don’t matter before checking them out
___ Lying to protect yourself
___ Trouble being assertive with ideas that you believe to be right
___ Not validating your spouse’s opinions when you disagree with them
___ Apologizing for bothering your spouse when an important issue needs to be
addressed
___ Becoming demanding or intimidating to get your way
___ Failure to bring up an issue out of fear of the response or results
___ Waiting to express your opinion until your spouse shares theirs
___ Speaking for your spouse instead of letting them speak for themselves
___ Telling your spouse that what they said was not what they meant
___ Total items checked
If you checked more than eight of these items, the two of you need to find a counselor. Things are not likely to get better on their own. If not already, in time the two of you will become angry or distant from each other. Now is the time to address these issues.
___ Blame your spouse for the problems in your marriage
___ Threaten your spouse when upset with them, intentionally or unintentionally
___ Coerce your spouse to get what you feel you want or need
___ Beg to get what you want
___ Bribe to get what you want
___ Give advice as to how your spouse should think or proceed
___ Not saying what you mean in the course of conversation
___ Not meaning what you say
___ Often feeling like you are not being taken seriously
___ Asking for what you want indirectly
___ Sighing or looking impatient during the course of conversation
___ Often having trouble getting to the point
___ Giving an answer that you think will make your spouse happy- even if
it is not how you really feel
___ Attempting to provoke your spouse
___ Having trouble saying no
___ Talking too much or dominating the conversation space
___ Avoiding talking about your problems, thoughts, feelings, etc.
___ Saying things are your fault, even when they are not
___ Saying things are not your fault, when they really are
___ Believing that your opinions don’t matter before checking them out
___ Lying to protect yourself
___ Trouble being assertive with ideas that you believe to be right
___ Not validating your spouse’s opinions when you disagree with them
___ Apologizing for bothering your spouse when an important issue needs to be
addressed
___ Becoming demanding or intimidating to get your way
___ Failure to bring up an issue out of fear of the response or results
___ Waiting to express your opinion until your spouse shares theirs
___ Speaking for your spouse instead of letting them speak for themselves
___ Telling your spouse that what they said was not what they meant
___ Total items checked
If you checked more than eight of these items, the two of you need to find a counselor. Things are not likely to get better on their own. If not already, in time the two of you will become angry or distant from each other. Now is the time to address these issues.
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